How to skip class: Cullen Style
by InMyOwnWords
Summary: This is how the Cullens get out of that boring, tedious place we call school.
1. Jasper

Jasper Hale sat quietly in the back of his math class doing his work like a good little school boy would when a wave of sadness overcame him. He didn't want to start dry sobbing in front of the class so he asked to be excused.

"Mr. Weatherbee?" he said.

"Yes Jasper." the teacher answered.

"May I be excused?"

"No you may not, I know how you kids do. You walk out and then you never come back! I've had enough of this 'ditching' you will stay." Mr. Weatherbee said angrily.

The teachers anger radiated in waves! Jasper, to his dismay, caught them and stood up. "I think I should be able to go to the bathroom! I mean I have to relieve myself sometimes too! Now you better let me go !" he yelled.

Once he realised what he had done he looked at his conufsed classmates, "Oops."

"Your darn skippy 'oops'! Mr. Hale go to the principal's office!" Mr. Weatherbee yelled pointing to the door.

A wave of angst passed over Jasper, 'Whoever sent me that one is going to pay' he asked himself. "Mr. Weatherbee, Jasper looks like he's about to be sick." a girl said.

The teacher looked at his student, "He does...Maybe this is one of those disease that..." the teachers voice trailed off as he started looking in his health books for an answer.

Jasper felt himself sinking into depression, the angst was getting at him. "Jasper? Are you feeling okay?" the girl asked.

"No...No I'm not. I'm losing an internal battle." he whispered.

"Oh my God! I think he has cancer!" the girl cried.

"I...I...I do? Oh my life keeps getting worse and worse..." he said as he started to dry sob.

A knock on the door interrupted the commotion...Well except for Jasper's exaggerated dry sobs. "Come in." Mr. Weatherbee said still looking in his book.

Alice walked in the room with an amused look on her face.

"Stab my heart and let me bleed..." Jasper said as he sank to his knees.

"I just want to curl up into a ball and listen to Hawthorne Heights while I cry myself to sleep."

"Jasper, honey get up." she said.

"No Alice I have cancer...Just let me wallow in my self-pity."

"Jasper you don't have cancer! Now stop making a scene!" she yelled.

Alice took Jaspers hand and helped him off the ground. "I'm taking him home." she said.

"Yes Ms. Cullen that would be appropriate." Mr. Weatherbee said with a sad smile.

"All the smiles of the little children can't help me now..." Jasper said shuffling out of the door.

Once the door was closed, all of the Cullens greeted Jasper, "Took you long anough." Emmett said with a laugh.

"You guys weren't giving me emotions fast enough!" Jasper said, overwhelmed by the happines of his family.

"Anyway, how'd it go for you guys?" he asked.

"It was fairly easy." Edward said.

"Yeah, if you act weird enough the teachers let you go." Rosealie shrugged.

"Yeah...And by the way whoever sent me angst is so going to get it!" Jasper said.

Edward looked around and whistled the 'I'm innocent tune.' before running off at vampire speed towards his car.


	2. Edward

**Thanx for the reviews!**

**thesunshinekid-Thanks! And heres the rest (obviously lol)**

**Wait For The Stars-I love your name! Oh and thanks for the review! Glad you thought it was funny!**

**GoodyGoody23-Yes I am continuing (obviously this is the update lol)**

**RosalieCullen- She's coming soon.**

**Bella-and-Edward-forever22- When I saw your name I thought about the store Forever 21...go figure. Anyway, glad you liked it!**

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Edward was shifting uncomfortably in his seat, the students seamed to notice but the teacher didn't so Mike Newton decided to point it out. "Excuse me? Ms. Pace?" he said. 

The small woman turned around and narrowed her eyes at the boy who interrupted her lecture on 'Why Math is Beneficial to Teenagers Today'.

"What."

"Cullen seems to have a problem." he said with a small shrug.

The teachers eyes snapped to the bronze haird boy in the back. "Edward what seems to be the problem?"

Edward looked up at the teacher, his topaz eyes glassy and big, his eyebrows furrowed together. "The voices..." he murmured.

"Excuse me?" she said.

"The voices...They won't leave...Me...Aloooone." he moaned.

"Mr. Cullen I won't tolerate any kind a fooli-"

"The voices are not pleased Ms. Pace, you have upset them!" Edward yelled.

"Mr. Cullen! Settle down this istant!"

"The voices don't want to settle down." Edward said meancingly.

The teacher had a look of pure terror on her face. What was wrong with this child? "Umm...Uh...Math is..."

"Math is what Ms. Pace? Ah the voices say that math is stupid and all we need to know is addition to get by!" Edward yelled.

"You mean we've been learning all this garbage for nothing?" Jessica asked.

"No...I mean...Well we've been...Uh..." Ms. Pace stuttered.

"You have been a naughty naughty teacher Ms. Pace." Edward said with a demonic laugh.

"I think Cullen's gone off the deep end." Mike muttered.

"Go mope over the girl you can't have! That's right I have Bella!" Edward laughed.

"So what! She doesn't really like you!" Mike said looking as if he could cry.

"Who is she with Newton?"

"You."

"And who's alone and mopey?"

"I am."

"Now back to the subject at hand -ahem- MS. PACE YOU'RE GOIN DOWN!" Edward yelled.

"Wha?"

"ATTACK MY MINIONS! MAKE THE VOICES HAPPY!" Edward yelled.

"Ahhhhh!" Ms. Pace yelled running out of the room.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! YES MY PRETTIES ATTACK! MWAHAHAHA -choke- -sputter- ATTACK THE EVIL MATH TEACHER!" he yelled.

"Edward!" Alice said.

Edward turned toward his sister, "Oh...-cough- umm hello Alice."

"Edward we said cause a distraction not attack the math teacher." she said shaking her head.

"I got caught up didn't I?"

Alice nodded and grabbed her brothers hand, "We're not letting you do this alone anymore." she sighed.

"You're just mad because the voices don't like you." he muttered.

"Shut up Edward, we have to go spring Emmett."


	3. Emmett

**WELL THANK YOU ALLL! There were so many emails saying Review! I was so happy I cried...then a got a look from my father that said 'You need help.' Ah well we all do at some point, anyway thanks for reading and here's the next chapter! Read it or the voices will attack!**

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The spanish teacher, Mrs. Sanchez was writing on her board when Emmett decided to ask a quesiton. "Ms. Sanchez!"

The woman turned around and sighed, "Yes Emmett?"

"May I skip class?" he asked innocently.

"Que?"

"Oh excuse me...May I **please** skip class?"

Mrs. Sanchez shook her head and continued to write on the board. "The voices will attack?" Emmett tried.

"Emmett stop disrupting the class por favor." she said.

"Hawthorne Heights?"

"Emmett Cullen will you please stop!"

A couple of students snickered at Emmett's...Umm...Emmettness. "If I ask you in spanish can I go?" he asked.

"Emmett! You are not skipping my class comprende?"

"No comprende."

Mrs. Sanchez sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration, "Emmett, do you know what high blood pressure is?" she asked.

"Kinda...I mean my dad is a doctor."

"Okay then Emmett, don't make mine go up!" she yelled turning back to the board.

"Do you take medicine for high blood pressure?" he asked.

"I don't see how that's any of your business but yes." she said through clenched teeth.

"Oh...Just wonderin'"

"Are you done Senoir Cullen?" she asked.

Emmett thought for a second then shook his head no. Mrs. Sanchez groaned and went back to writing on the board. "Okay class let's start with our alfabeto. Okay a be ce...Yes Emmett?"

"Por favor. ..Just permitió que mí ir! Yo no le molestaré ya juro que hago no!" Emmett said trying to imitate a spanish soap opera. **(Please...Just let me go! I won't bother you anymore I swear I won't!)**

Mrs. Sanchez gaped at Emmett. "Where did you learn to speak spanish?" she asked.

"De mi tía que se muere de. ..La...Umm la Influenza española!" he said as he fake cried. **(From my aunt who is dying of...The...Umm Spanish Influenza!)**

"Emmett...There hasn't been an out break of the spanish influenza since the 1900's." the teacher said with a frown.

"Damn you Edward." Emmett muttered. "Well...She's in Mexico so therefore..."

"No Emmett." she said as she continued with her lesson.

A knock was heard on the door and Mrs. Sanchez groaned, "Ah mi bondad quién me interrumpe ahora?" **(Oh my goodness who is interrupting me now?)**

She went to the door and opened it and in stepped Edward Cullen, "Senora Sanchez, I need Emmett." he said sadly.

"Why is that?" she asked.

"My aunt...I'm afraid...I'm...Oh Mrs. Sanchez our loving aunt is dying of the spanish influenza! We need to get to Mexico quick!" He said as he wiped his 'tears' on his sleeve.

"Oh my Emmett, lo siento...I did not believe you. Go you two! I am so sorry!" she said. **(I'm sorry)**

"It's okay." Edward said softly.

_My my my Edward is quite the looker, especially when he's sad._

Edward grimaced but put the sad smile back on his face, "Come Emmett, we must go see auntie before dies."

"Will mama and papa be there?" Emmett asked sniffling.

"Yes...Yes they will."

The two brothers walked outside of the classroom and out the door. "Nice huh Alice?" Emmett asked.

Alice rolled her eyes, "Do you two know the word 'subtle' at all? I mean Edward you of all people should have been more careful with getting out of class."

"Please Alice it's more fun this way." Emmett said with a smile.

"Now off to get Rose." Edward said.

"No! You two are not helping with this one!"


	4. Roasalie

"Yes Roasalie?" Mr. Richmond the geogrophy teacher said.

"Mr. R, I have some family business to take care of and I really need to go." she said flipping her hair.

The old man chuckled and looked at Rose, "I know that's how you usually get out of class Mrs. Cullen but let me tell you, it's not going to work on me. I'm gay."

Roasalie (Along with some other students) looked at their teacher in shock. "Really?" she said with a disgusted look.

He nodded and went back to looking through his lesson plan. Rose sat in her seat, fuming! 'How dare he turn down my hair flip...It usually works on gay guys too!' she thought. 'This has to be a joke! A sick joke!'

"Mr. R, my family is expecting them to be at home so we can care for...The sick one." she said.

"The sick one? And who might that be? Alice was here and so were Edward,Emmett, and Jasper plus your father is a doctor...You guys shouldn't be getting sick." he said with a smile.

Roasalie growled silently and stood up, she sauntered to the front of the classroom and stopped at the desk. "Mr. Richmond," she chuckled. "If you don't let me go I'll..."

She looked around, and her gaze landed on the gold band on his finger, "I'll tell your wife that your gay."

"I'm not actually...I was ju-"

"Tsk, Tsk, Tsk lying to a student? That's strike two." she said.

"Listen here missy..."

"You have just called me out of my name! How dare you! Now I won't tell a soul...If you let. Me. Go." she said with an evil yet sweet smile.

Mr. Richmond sighed and put his head down, he then pointed tot he door.

"I knew you'd see it my way."

She sauntered out of the door and opened it revealing her siblings, she quickly closed the door and let the smile drop from her face. "Come siblings, let us go get Jasper." she said walking off.

Alice looked at Emmett, and Emmett looked at Edward, and Edward looked disgusted, "You don't want to know."

Alice and Emmett nodded and followed their brother and sister down the hallyway.

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**I'll admit that one wasn't funny...Anyway the next chapter will be Alice and then the chapter after that...It's gonna be a surprise! Shhh it's a secret surprise! By the way on Emmett's chapter I used freetranslation...yeah they screwed me over and gave me bad spanish. You'd think they'd be pretty good. Eh.**


	5. Oops

**I decided not to do Alice...Sorry guys, I might do a deleted scene and put Alice in there but right now I just want to get to the main part of the story.**

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Jasper and Alice got into Edwards Volvo and laughed. "This was too easy!" Jasper exclaimed.

Edward smiled then frowned, "I was...But I have a feeling we're forgetting something..."

Alice frowned and put her head down. " Yeah...Me too. But I'm not having any visions and I'm not remembering anything..."

"Come to think of it...Something is missing..." Jasper said.

The vampires shrugged and Edward started the car.

They followed behind Rosalie and Emmett's jeep. They drove until they got to the large field where they played baseball. "Five, four, three , two." Alice counted down.

Thunder boomed and Alice clapped happily, "Yes!"

Emmett threw Jasper four mitts and threw Edward a bat. "I'll play on the girls team to make it e-"

Edward cut Emmett off, "Wait..."

Edward sniffed and looked over in the distance, a human wouldn't be able to see the firgure huddled in the middle of the field. "Who is that?" Jasper asked.

"The rain is washing away their scent..." Emmett said.

Edward, being curious, walked over to the figure and bent down. "Umm...Are you okay?"

The firgure turned around, and was revealed as Isabella Swan. The crazed look on her face scared Edward to the point where he stopped breathing. (Like he needed to!). Bella's hair was wild and crazy looking mathcing her face, and her clothes where wrinkled and dirty. "Maybe we should get you home." Edward said taking her hands.

Bella pulled back and growled, "You forgot me!"

Edward cocked his head to one side,_ Ohh he forgot Bella! _he heard Emmet think.

"I'm so sory Bella I..."

"No Eddy dear, I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I had to walk all the way here for you!" Bella yelled.

Edward looked taken back by Bella's outburst. "Do you know what I did to get here!?" she yelled.

Edward shook his head, this was going to be a loooong story.


	6. Bella's Mishap

Bella looked through the empty hallways of Forks High and smiled to herself, it had been way to easy to get past the hall moniters. She had decided to play it smart and not go to class at all, that way she wouldn't have to make up some random excuse to get out of class. Just then she ehard a noise, along with the noise was a voice.

She gasped, it was their principal!

She immidietly dropped to the floor and crawled silently into the girls bathroom, and laughed to herself. "I am too good."

"Is anybody in here!" a hall moniter yelled.

"NO- Whoops!" Bella said.

She bit her lip, hoping that the hall moniter would leave the bathroom. "Nice try." she said as she walked into the bathroom.

When the hall monitor walked in she saw no one, she raised an eyebrow and shrugged her shoulder. Maybe she was just hearing things. She walked out and went on about her business. Meanwhile, Bella fell out of the stall, her pants leg soaking wet, "Eew."

She hurridly got out of the bathroom and spotted the front door, "Victory is mine." she whispered.

Just then the bell rang!

BRIIIIING!!!!

Students piled out of classrooms, knocking Bella over and laughing about something the Cullen's had done int heir classes. Bella was trampled and kicked, and even had gum spit on her. She crawled towards the door and pulled herself up using the doorhandle. "Ed...ward."

She walked outside and looked for the Cullen's cars, but found them gone.

She growled.

She walked.

It rained.

She was soaked.

As soon as she got to the open field, she noticed that the vampires had not arrived yet, so she sat in the mud and the field muttering somethign about, "Revenge." and "Edward Die."

And here we are now!

"Oh, Bella I'm so sorry." Edward said taking her face in his hands.

"Sorry isn't enough Eddy my boy. Sorry isn't enough." Bella said evilly.


	7. AN

**I get an alert for this story just about everyday, I'm glad everyone likes it. There will be an update soon, since so many people want it to be updated, but I have a question for you guys.**

**What would you like to see next?**

**Yeah you hate me for wasting time but you'll love me for the update :)**


	8. Isabella Cullen and the Pedo Of Doom

Bella cackled loudly, startling Edward, she stood up and looked at all of the Cullens. "You thought you could leave Bella behind did you!" She screeched.

Emmett raised an eyebrow and began backing away slowly, only to be halted by Rosalie. "Bella I'm sorry, we're all sorry." Edward assured her.

"No you're not! You wanted Bella to stay in school because Bella is a human, not a sparkly, immortal like you! Well guess what!" Bella laughed.

Edward took a large step back and chuckled nervously, "What dear?" He asked.

Bella pulled a small bottle out of her bag and opened it. "What is _that?_" Jasper asked.

Alice only sighed, "Oh dear, this was going to happen sooner or later."

Bella began to dump the substance on herself, while cackling wildly. She then looked at Edward, "Now Bella can play baseball too." She smiled.

The Cullen clan looked warily at each other, then back to Bella, who'd just dumped glitter on herself and was now calling herself 'Isabella Cullen'. "Maybe we should get her home…" Emmett suggested, while scratching his head.

"We can't let Charlie see her like this! He'll pull a gun on me and shoot me, then I won't die, and we'll have to reveal the secret, and he'll send Buffy after us! Do you know what Buffy can do!" Edward yelled to his family.

"Yeah, they've both lost it." Rosalie said, shaking her head.

"Well we have to get her somewhere, her emotions are doing…odd things to me." Jasper said, uncomfortably.

"Is Jasper feeling uncomfortable? Let Isabella Cullen use your awesome powers to heal him!" Bella yelled as she put her index finger on her forehead and closed her eyes.

"Bella…You don't have powers…and you're not a vampire." Alice said calmly.

Bella opened her eyes, "Hush mortal! It's working!"

"Edward! Get your girlfriend and come on! She needs to see Carlisle!" Alice yelled, smacking her brother.

"Carlisle? But what if Carlisle says she's like this forever…I can't have a psychopathic girlfriend. I'm Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! What would it look like if I had a psychopathic girlfriend!" Edward screeched.

"Let's see who's crazier? The girl who thinks she's a vampire or the guy who's eighty plus years older than her, likes to watch her when she sleeps, and keeps promising her eternal life with you after you put up 5 million obstacles?" Alice asked.

"You're a creepy pedophile." Jasper said, shaking his head

"I am not!" Edward yelled.

"Guys… where's Bella?" Emmett asked as he looked around the field.

The Cullen's eyes all widened at the same time, "She's gone back to town!" Alice yelled.

Edward looked at the ground then back at his siblings, he pointed in the direction of the town and took a deep breath, "Follow the glitter."

"Dude that was so gay."

Edward sighed, "Do as I say before I kill you."

"Aye, aye cap'n Eddie."


End file.
